Growth

There are things that happen sometimes for people with depression/anxiety/PTSD, that cause a reaction that is intense.  These are generally called triggers.  Sometimes I know what they are, sometimes I do not.  When I know a trigger has happened, I typically have the ability to step away from that situation.  When I do not know, then all I know is that I feel something extremely intensely and it is very important to me.  This usually creates drama.  If there is alcohol involved, it creates drama that I can’t even pull myself back from.  Afterwards, however, I like to ask myself a few questions about what happened.

  • What was at the core of that reaction?
  • How do I address the core reason? and
  • What does this tell me about myself, and my relationships?

Sometimes the answers are obvious, sometimes, not so much.  However, the last year of living without a partner and dating people, has made it easier for me to see what my reactions mean about me, and what I need out of relationships.  This has not come without growing pains.  Or just pain in general.  All who know me, know I love fast, fiercely, and almost always forever.  I do not believe that love is finite nor do I have some weird set of time rules of when you are allowed to love someone.  I connect, I feel love, and I give it freely.  This is something about myself that I refuse to feel ashamed about or to quash.  It does however leave me very vulnerable.

I am currently experience a weird reaction, for me.  I am in a situation that historically would have made me implode.  I would be belittling myself, worrying, obsessing, and in general completely freaking out.  I do not however find myself doing that.  I feel either confident that my emotions will be understood and forgiven, or that if they aren’t, it is ok, because I will be ok.  I am not exactly sure what it is,  but I hope this is a trend I can hold onto.

cracked-statue

There are cracks in everything.
That is how the light gets in.

I WILL NOT STAND BY

I am going to post this often. And I am going to be conscious of the fact that I cannot stand by and let this history be repeated.

I WILL NOT STAND BY.
My Ilse taught me better.

First they came for the Communists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Communist
Then they came for the Socialists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And I did not speak out
Because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And there was no one left
To speak out for me

Martin Niemöller

NaPoWriMo: You Too

You Too
By Cecily Michelle

When love comes tumbling down,
and you are left alone on the promenade,
with nothing but your pride,
breathe.
You don’t need crumbs from that table.
They are the fool.
The only love that will rescue you,
is when you love you like mad.
Some days are better than others and
you might not have yet found what you are looking for,
but embrace these luminous times.
Walk to the water and fly your kite.
Get lost in the moment,
starring at the sun.
Smile.
Surrender.
And walk on.
Spend your time trying to throw your arms around the world,
until the end of the world.
Rise up!
Rejoice!
Dance barefoot night and day.
Go be a stranger in a strange land.
Don’t wait for soon,
in a little while never comes,
it is never tomorrow.
Today is the most beautiful day
because it could be your last night on earth.
For the first time,
let go of your troubles.
get on your boots,
and fly.

NaPoWriMo Day 3

Peace By Piece
By Cecily Israel

It never stops
The growing
The aching
The pain

One moment at a time
Life chips away
This day good
This day bad

I have found peace
Because I value each piece
Good
And bad

I will make mistakes
As will the ones I love
But love them
I always will

Life changes
People evlove
Time progresses
Always forward

Distance enters relationships
Sometimes for the better
Sometimes for the worse
But it always happens

Each part of my life
Each part of my heart
Make up the pieces of me
And I am at peace with that