*Sings* Don’t wanna be, all by myself… *stops sing*…I did enough of that last night, making an ass of myself…anyway…
Yesterday, my (derby)wife had me take a quiz to determine my highest love languages. If you have never heard of it, you can find it here, 5lovelanguages.com. My top two were tied at 9 points each, Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. This surprised no one.
Today, I have been cycling through various levels of anxiety. The worst consequence of this (today) is the inability to focus, hence why I am writing this instead of working. On a different train of thought for distracting myself, I was thinking about how my anxiety has been so up and down today, and in my ever persistent need to analyze every little thing I do, I started thinking about what helps me snap out of the anxiety. Which brings us back to the love languages quiz. Often, outside affirmation makes a very big difference to me. However, I am working very hard to not need it. I can like it, I can let it make me smile, but I have to stop needing it. So how does one not need external validation? Well they validate themselves. So I am sitting here realizing all of this and I start trying to come up with something I can say to myself, about myself, to affirm me; then the thought hits me, BUT I AM JUST GOING TO DISAGREE WITH ME. At which point I can completely see myself walking around my apartment having an argument with myself:
“You’re awesome, stop worrying.”
“If you are so awesome, why are you talking to yourself?”
“Because that is what self-affirmation is!”
“Do you feel affirmed? Because you look like a fucking idiot. Even the dog is staring at you wondering what the hell you’re talking about.”
“You leave Diddy out of this! He loves us unconditionally. You know like we are supposed to love our self!”
“Really? Do you hear you? You are starting sounding like Gollum. Next you are going to be calling yourself Precious while hunched over a picture of yourself as baby.”
“What about a bowl of ice cream instead? No! Frozen yogurt.”
“Screw that, let’s go get a Whopper and fries.”
“You realize you are doing it too now, you just called us a ‘let’s’”
At which point I stop where I am and give myself the look I give other people when I am all like, “Really?”
Then I return to my regularly scheduled avoidance of work.