Not What I Planned For

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary, and I’m not really married anymore.  Yes technically, David and I are still married, but emotionally, we have both moved on.  I made a therapy appointment months ago for this day, with the expectation that I would be a wreck.  David and I had big plans for this day.  We started talking about renewing our vows on our 10th anniversary during our honeymoon.  It was going to be another big bash with all our friends.  Instead, he and I are going out together tonight to celebrate our friendship; to celebrate what this new future holds.

Some time ago, when I still couldn’t wrap my head around why he had fallen out of love with me, I was crying and yelling at him about how I knew he was the right one and I was the right one for him and he said to me, “There has to be someone that is more right.”  That hurt so much, but it was because I didn’t understand it.  I do now and I know that he was correct.  I don’t know if I will find that “More right” person, or if I will be able to trust that it is true, but I do hope I can.  I was so sure David was the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  How can I ever really know that if I feel that again, it’s more real?  More true?  I guess we don’t ever really know and that is part of the risk of love.

I had so many plans, so many ideas of how my life was going to go, and it just didn’t turn out that way.  And that is ok.  I have done something in this journey of therapy and divorce.  I fell in love with myself.  A feat that I did not think I could ever accomplish.  I spent so many years listening to the demons of depression, that I truly believed I wasn’t worth my own love.  I know better now and I encourage any of you that are sitting there not in love with yourself, make that your priority.  Figure out how to love you as much as you love others.  There is nothing more amazing.

When I started this blog I intended to make it funny, while dealing with the serious issues of life.  Second blog in and I have already fucked that up.  I am going to leave you with my favorite Ze Frank video.

An Invocation for Beginnings

Below is an image of the invocation poster, but first is the part of it that impacts me the most.  I watch this video a lot to remind myself of this.

Let me think about the people I care about the most and how when they fail or disappoint me I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them.  Let me extend that generosity to myself.

Invocation For Beginnings

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