Who out there remembers The Great Gazoo? You know, this little fucker from The Flintstones…
I’ve decided that one of my depression monsters is just like him; an annoying little shit that gets his jollies from belittling me and making a mess out of my thoughts. I have decided to call him The Great Fukyoo. He isn’t the Big Black Dog. He’s the one kicking up all the mud. It’s like this:
You’re swimming in a pond you know well. You are comfortable there. Sure there are always little surprise fishies rubbing against your feet, but you all try to stay out of each others way and you get along just fine. Then one day your foot gets tangled up on something on the bed of the pond. This is usually a big thing that you knew was there and stayed clear of, but some weather has moved it and you are caught completely unaware by it. You struggle against it and go back and forth between a calm above the surface where you can logically think about how to get unstuck and the panic of being underwater actually trying to get out and worrying that you won’t get air again. That is not The Great Fukyoo. He’s all of the mud that gets kicked up when you are struggling to get loose. He’s an added complication that makes it harder to see the problem and so then even harder to get free. He’s all the little bits of things that have settled to the bottom of the pond. They are part of the pond and as long as they stay on the bottom, everything functions just fine. Unfortunately The Great Fukyoo makes sure that you become surrounded by all the little pieces of sedentary, to the point where light has a harder time getting to you, so you start to panic even more, and nothing is ok. Then you’re drowning.
My weekend was filled with The Great Fukyoo. Luckily, Sunday was also filled with David. I read him the description above and he had some good insight on things. What it boils down to is that I have an excellent crisis mode; as long as I can do something about the crisis. When there is nothing I can ‘fix’, things become a bit difficult for me. I did, however, figure out what to do about it and it is not easy for me, but I basically have to become still and wait for the mud to settle back to the bottom. Having a good friend and good food also helps.