There are things that happen sometimes for people with depression/anxiety/PTSD, that cause a reaction that is intense. These are generally called triggers. Sometimes I know what they are, sometimes I do not. When I know a trigger has happened, I typically have the ability to step away from that situation. When I do not know, then all I know is that I feel something extremely intensely and it is very important to me. This usually creates drama. If there is alcohol involved, it creates drama that I can’t even pull myself back from. Afterwards, however, I like to ask myself a few questions about what happened.
- What was at the core of that reaction?
- How do I address the core reason? and
- What does this tell me about myself, and my relationships?
Sometimes the answers are obvious, sometimes, not so much. However, the last year of living without a partner and dating people, has made it easier for me to see what my reactions mean about me, and what I need out of relationships. This has not come without growing pains. Or just pain in general. All who know me, know I love fast, fiercely, and almost always forever. I do not believe that love is finite nor do I have some weird set of time rules of when you are allowed to love someone. I connect, I feel love, and I give it freely. This is something about myself that I refuse to feel ashamed about or to quash. It does however leave me very vulnerable.
I am currently experience a weird reaction, for me. I am in a situation that historically would have made me implode. I would be belittling myself, worrying, obsessing, and in general completely freaking out. I do not however find myself doing that. I feel either confident that my emotions will be understood and forgiven, or that if they aren’t, it is ok, because I will be ok. I am not exactly sure what it is, but I hope this is a trend I can hold onto.
There are cracks in everything.
That is how the light gets in.