Growth

There are things that happen sometimes for people with depression/anxiety/PTSD, that cause a reaction that is intense.  These are generally called triggers.  Sometimes I know what they are, sometimes I do not.  When I know a trigger has happened, I typically have the ability to step away from that situation.  When I do not know, then all I know is that I feel something extremely intensely and it is very important to me.  This usually creates drama.  If there is alcohol involved, it creates drama that I can’t even pull myself back from.  Afterwards, however, I like to ask myself a few questions about what happened.

  • What was at the core of that reaction?
  • How do I address the core reason? and
  • What does this tell me about myself, and my relationships?

Sometimes the answers are obvious, sometimes, not so much.  However, the last year of living without a partner and dating people, has made it easier for me to see what my reactions mean about me, and what I need out of relationships.  This has not come without growing pains.  Or just pain in general.  All who know me, know I love fast, fiercely, and almost always forever.  I do not believe that love is finite nor do I have some weird set of time rules of when you are allowed to love someone.  I connect, I feel love, and I give it freely.  This is something about myself that I refuse to feel ashamed about or to quash.  It does however leave me very vulnerable.

I am currently experience a weird reaction, for me.  I am in a situation that historically would have made me implode.  I would be belittling myself, worrying, obsessing, and in general completely freaking out.  I do not however find myself doing that.  I feel either confident that my emotions will be understood and forgiven, or that if they aren’t, it is ok, because I will be ok.  I am not exactly sure what it is,  but I hope this is a trend I can hold onto.

cracked-statue

There are cracks in everything.
That is how the light gets in.

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3 thoughts on “Growth”

    1. Thanks darling. I am just trying to find peace and happiness with what I have learned about myself and what I need out of relationships. And I guess most importantly, not putting that need aside. I’m finally learning that it is ok that I want and need things.

      Liked by 1 person

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