There are these times when the anxiety monster in my head won’t shut up. No matter how loudly I talk over it, no matter how loudly I scream at it to shut the fuck up, it is still louder. Today has been one of those days. So, I decided to be quiet and listen to it. Not so that it could influence me, but rather so that I could figure out what was driving it. What is really at the core of this incessant ball of anxiety. And boy it’s a doozie. Get this…
Yep, you read that right. I’m happy and that is scary. You see I have started seeing someone, who is so fantastic of a person, I find myself feeling special that he likes to spend time with me. Beyond that, I’ve been meeting a LOT of new people through him. Here’s the really weird thing…they all like me. I’ve been so conditioned to expect the friends of the person I’m involved with to find problems with me and reasons to dislike me, that it is absolutely foreign that they like me. It all feels a bit surreal.
So I asked myself, why is this scary? Simple, happiness for me, over the last few years, has a tendency to suddenly get ripped away, like a rug being pulled out from under me. Then I had a thought that hit me like one of those “duh” moments.
“But you were happy before this started.”
It was then I realized that I am reducing my own happiness by allowing myself to be afraid that it is going to go away. I reminded myself to be present in the now and not allow the what if of fear to have a place in me. Shit happens, and if this slice of happiness comes to an end, it will hurt, and I will get over it. I always do.
So basically, don’t worry, be happy now.
There are things that happen sometimes for people with depression/anxiety/PTSD, that cause a reaction that is intense. These are generally called triggers. Sometimes I know what they are, sometimes I do not. When I know a trigger has happened, I typically have the ability to step away from that situation. When I do not know, then all I know is that I feel something extremely intensely and it is very important to me. This usually creates drama. If there is alcohol involved, it creates drama that I can’t even pull myself back from. Afterwards, however, I like to ask myself a few questions about what happened.
- What was at the core of that reaction?
- How do I address the core reason? and
- What does this tell me about myself, and my relationships?
Sometimes the answers are obvious, sometimes, not so much. However, the last year of living without a partner and dating people, has made it easier for me to see what my reactions mean about me, and what I need out of relationships. This has not come without growing pains. Or just pain in general. All who know me, know I love fast, fiercely, and almost always forever. I do not believe that love is finite nor do I have some weird set of time rules of when you are allowed to love someone. I connect, I feel love, and I give it freely. This is something about myself that I refuse to feel ashamed about or to quash. It does however leave me very vulnerable.
I am currently experience a weird reaction, for me. I am in a situation that historically would have made me implode. I would be belittling myself, worrying, obsessing, and in general completely freaking out. I do not however find myself doing that. I feel either confident that my emotions will be understood and forgiven, or that if they aren’t, it is ok, because I will be ok. I am not exactly sure what it is, but I hope this is a trend I can hold onto.
There are cracks in everything.
That is how the light gets in.
By Cecily Michelle
Like the night
But neither right
Gusts of passion
A fine delight
One sees black
The other white
The tend to fight
At first sight
For their appetite
One a tiger
Growls with delight
One a kitten
Bound up tight
For you and I
Are not right
Come what might
Thank you though
For your might
You have helped me
See the light
Peace and Pain
By Cecily Michelle
Shades of grey in her eyes
Lips curled up, her smile lies
Drops of blue on her shirt
Nothing shows, so nothing’s hurt
Hidden shades of yellow and green
Under her skin, barely seen
Ink of black on her wrist
Nothing changed, by the fist
Hope so pure it shines so white
No, she does not want to fight
Razor’s cut leaves her red
But not as much, as the thorn in bed
A friend came over last night to help me through a difficult situation. He reminded me that I have the keenest, most accurate gut he has ever known. He listened to my fears about trusting it and reassured me that I do not have to settle for someone. And I certainly do not have to settle for someone that is going to lash out at me when they are in the wrong.
I’ll Be In The Corner
By Cecily Michelle
Fear is a powerful monster
He feeds on your insecurities
Whispers in your ear when your instincts kick in
“But what if you’re wrong…if you screw this up now, you’ll have nothing.”
Instinct is the introvert in the corner
She has knowledge and wisdom
But is easily talked over…beaten down.
“Excuse me, if you could just hear what I have to say…”
Their battle ground is you
And the more Fear wins
The easier it is for him to win again
“You’ll get hurt if you trust her. Listen to me.”
It’s time go sit in the corner with your wounded gut
Hold her tight and tell her that you trust her
Ask her to speak louder and clearer
“I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I can hear you now.”
Be Cecily Michelle
Tell me something beautiful…
~~Your eyes, they are full of sadness.
Why would you think that is beautiful?
~~Because your sadness means you care.
What if I am tired of caring and hurting and feeling sad?
~~I would ask you if you are tired of life. What else is life if not a series of emotions.
Do you see any happiness in my eyes?
~~I see mine.
So you are happy I am sad?
~~No, I am happy that you care enough about me to be sad you hurt me.
Does it ever get any easier?
~~Not if you are doing it right.
Better Than The Void
By Cecily Michelle
You hurt me
and you blamed it on me
I hurt you
and I blamed it on you
We’re both trying so hard to write the perfect story
We forgot to read each others stories already written
I gave you my love
and you said it wouldn’t work
You gave me your love
and I said, no not that way
You expected me to be a certain way
and was disappointed when I wasn’t
I expected you to be a certain way
and shut off when you weren’t
Is this the problem with going deep so fast
Is this what I was afraid of
The ache in my chest is relentless
I barely even slept
The ache in my chest means I love you
and that is better than the void.