I live my life in shades of grey.Very rarely have I experienced anything that was black or white. I try to carry the knowledge that there is more to any situation than I can see. It helps me empathize. Recently I have been feeling some extremes. “I am going to die alone.” “No one will ever love me again.” Things like that. I have been talking with friends about it to help work through this dark space. Everyone is super nice and says that of course I will find someone. That tends to leave me going, “How can you possibly know that?” Last night I had a friend say something a bit different to me…
I hear you. I don’t know what the future holds, but I have confidence in your ability to grow in your capacity to bend it to your liking.
This might be the most supportive, kind thing someone has said to me.
As I have been feeling these extreme things, I have been trying to figure out how to find peace with them. The conclusion I have come to is that if I am going to be just me and need to have fun with myself. So, here are somethings I am doing for me.
- Eating better
- Going to the gym
- Doing more art
- Drinking less alcohol
- Getting out of my apartment
- Going on adventures
- Spending time with friends I don’t see nearly enough
I finally feel ready to focus on me again.
…seeking…well I’m not quite sure. I woke up thinking about how I have lots of Facebook friends that I really like, but get to see very little. And in a weird swing of complete lack of anxiety about it I really want to get out and do things with a variety of people. I feel ready to step outside my comfort zone. However, I don’t know how.
I am so grateful to have so many amazing friends in my life. I couldn’t imagine an existence without you. ❤
The Empty Vessel
By Cecily Michelle
The pitcher sits alone on the table top
Constantly trying to fill itself by filling others
“Let me tell you about me, what I know, what I have seen.”
Surely, it will be filled by sharing its own experiences
Alas, no, the pitcher still sits alone and empty
“Why can’t I be filled? All the cups around me are overflowing.”
All the cups have inched away
Tired of always being filled by what the pitcher wants to give them
On the corner of the table, one little cup falls over
Unable to stay upright with all the pitcher’s givings
Cracked, the cup began to leak
“Pitcher! Quick, take what is pouring out of me!”
The cup poured part of itself into the pitcher
And the pitcher, for the first time, started to fill
By Cecily Michelle
Like the night
But neither right
Gusts of passion
A fine delight
One sees black
The other white
The tend to fight
At first sight
For their appetite
One a tiger
Growls with delight
One a kitten
Bound up tight
For you and I
Are not right
Come what might
Thank you though
For your might
You have helped me
See the light
I am going to be speaking bluntly about some issues that involve the digestive system.
I love water. I drink a lot of water. Room temperature. Sometimes with a hint of flavor. I feel picky and uncomfortable when I ask for water without ice and with lemon when I am out at a restaurant, so I don’t always do it; and when I don’t it’s truly a gamble. There are days when I just know it is going to be bad. Like today. I get up like normal; get out of bed, take a drink of water, walk the dog, come back, go to the bathroom. Except on days like today, I can feel my body rejecting the water. It hits my stomach and I know that I have anywhere from 10-30 minutes until I am in the bathroom, in pain, wishing it would just go through my system already. This morning, in a time span of 90 minutes, I had to go through that 6 times. Each time painful, each time getting a little less successful in moving anything out. Once you’re empty, you’re empty; however my body still thinks it needs to empty more.
As I am sure anyone reading this knows, diarrhea dehydrates you. That means that I have to put more water in to make up for the water that is just going through my system. Which means more water painfully pushing through my system. Rinse, lather, repeat.
On top of all of that, I have an anal fissure from years of medication for pain management. If you do not know what an anal fissure is, thank your gods. I have been through some pain; from child birth, to bone grafts, to organ removal, and I can tell you without hesitation that an anal fissure is the worst pain I have ever experienced.
Did I mention the blood? It comes with lots of blood.
So there is pain, blood, dehydration, and constant urgent trips to the bathroom. But why I am sharing this? For the same reason I talk about my depression so openly. I find myself feeling ashamed that my body goes through all of this. So for a long time I didn’t seek medical attention for it. The same thing goes with depression. People feel ashamed and don’t seek help. So I am talking about it so other people might know they are not alone and it’s ok to ask for help.